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Smile it ease the pain.
2:29 PM

Last Valentines Day has been a turning point in my relationship. It was the time that I suddenly realized that I have grown tired of the three year-commitment that I was in. Things were not the same as before, both of us have changed and this brought about a gap on our so-called compatibility.

"He was not the same man I said yes too", I told Mia, who was a friend whom I can blurt out all my crappy shit about life and love. As I have gradually noticed that my boyfriend grew cold to me – meaning, he was no longer sweet. The guy whom is the first and the last to text me everyday seemed to no longer exist. He didn’t even have a present for me last Valentines Day, which made me really upset. This may sound really childish, but I really do appreciate thoughtfulness. I want to feel that I am remembered even in small ways, even a letter or a card will do. He also transformed into this monster who now blurts out hurtful words to me. As they say, emotional scar is the most difficult to heal. I am sensitive and I don’t want to hear those kind of things – most specially, not from him. It seemed to me that he became a stranger. That our 3 long years provided him no lesson about who I am and what I do and don’t like. And at this point I realized that a spoon is now just a spoon in our relationship. The spark was no longer there, and the magic already faded away. We just have to move on and go on our separate ways.

As I confided Mia my sentiments on my relationship, she recommended that I should watch the movie of Michelle Pfeiffer and Bruce Willis entitled “The Story of Us”. She said that I could relate very much to the story and probably learn from it. But even before I had the time to watch the flick, I and my boyfriend already got back together. I really can’t explain why, but there’s something in me that says that I should not loosen my grip - that even though the 3 year relationship has grown tiresome already, there is still a reason to hold on. After watching the movie, that reason was given a face – our history. This line of Katie (Michelle Pfeiffer) from the movie really moved me:

Katie: That's not why I'm saying Chow Funs. I'm saying Chow Funs because we're an us. There's a history here, and histories don't happen overnight. In Mesopotamia or Ancient Troy there are cities built on top of other cities, but I don't want another city, I like this city. I know what kind of mood you’re in when you wake up by which eyebrow is higher, and you know I'm a little quiet in the morning and compensate accordingly, that's a dance you perfect over time. And it's hard, it's much harder than I thought it would be, but there's more good than bad and you don't just give up! And it's not for the sake of the children, but God they're great kids aren't they? And we made them, I mean think about that! It's like there were no people there, and then there were people and they grew, and I won't be able to say to some stranger Josh has your hands or remember how Erin threw up at the Lincoln Memorial. And I'll try to relax, let's face it, anybody is going to have traits that get on your nerves, I mean, why shouldn't it be your annoying traits, and I know I'm no day at the beach, but I do have a good sense of direction so I can at least find the beach, which isn't a weakness of yours, it's a strength of mine. And God you’re a good friend and good friends are hard to find. Charlotte said that in Charlottes Web and I love how you read that to Erin and you take on the voice of Wilber the Pig with such dedication even when your bone tired. That speaks volumes about character! And ultimately, isn't that what it comes down too? What a person is made of? That girl in the pin helmet is still here 'bee boo bee boo' I didn't even know she existed until you came and I'm afraid if you leave I may never see her again,even though I said at times you beat her out of me, isn't that the paradox? Haven't we hit the essential paradox? Give and take, push and pull, the yin the yang. The best of times, the worst of times! I think Dickens said it best, 'He could eat no fat, his wife could eat no lean', but, doesn't really apply here does it? What I'm trying to say is, I'm saying Chow Funs because, I love you.

Labels: love

Smile it ease the pain.
6:46 PM

"Be happy. Be well." These were the last words of the CEO of Yehey.com on his talk in our Business Policy class this afternoon. He advised us that when we choose our career path, we should always consider what interests us - you can be an ordinary person or a leader. It all boils down on what we desire to become and what will make us happy. We can't push ourselves to be someone that our mothers or fathers want us to be. We make our choices and in the long run, these choices will benefit us, not them.

My parents don’t explicitly push me to really get a “wow career” after graduation. They always say that in whatever I’ll be in, they will just support me all the way. Sweet words indeed, but I know silently they are wishing or even asking God to help me find a nice paying job as it is what our family urgently needs. Yes, they don’t tell me things like be this or work with this company and all that crappy bullshit that proud parents usually ask their children especially if he/she graduated in a reputable institution like UP. But I am fully aware that they too have expectations even though they don’t tell it sraight to my face and this, has been a burden for me these past few weeks as the eldest child.

I usually find myself hopeless, regularly checking at vacancies in jobstreet.com but actually not applying. I suddenly had a great fear of rejection -- that companies’ would just turn me down and in the end, all my efforts will be worthless. I know you think that I’m just paranoid and all, but I believe that this fear is backed up by a much deeper root. I know that I’m not yet ready to be set out in the jungle. I believe that I don’t have enough capabilities and that I can’t compete with other soon to be fresh graduates out there. And this left me resenting on what I did during college. I felt like I wasted my 4 years in UP feeling insecure and downgraded by all other smart people around me that it hindered my learning. I usually don’t recite in class, volunteer as a leader of a group or even ask questions to profs if I miss a point for fear that people will just laugh and talk to me to my back. With that, I felt that I really didn’t improved that much academically as compared to high school. This left me facing the reality that soon, I’ll be leaving the comfort zone of UP unprepared and unequipped for a much larger battle that will come.

However, the talk by Mr. Donald Lim made me ponder on things. He said that for you to become a leader, you must lead yourself. All have already been said and done, there’s no turning back now. All I must do is to face my fears. Besides, the learning doesn’t stop after school. I can always learn the things I wasn’t able to know back in College. It all depends on me. If I may have difficulty speaking in groups, I can always enter a speech class. To become up to date with the ins and outs of business, I should always take hold of copies of magazines and other journal related to it. Read if I must, discover if I should. The key is my vision on how I see my self in the future and the actions I am willing to take to reach it. My future relies on my hands, and I have the every opportunity to maneuver it if I would just be passionate to do so. All I have to do is be focused and determined in order to achieve what I want. Set goals and do your best to keep up with your plans.

Besides when I think of it, I haven't even graduated yet. I still have one more month to prove myself in UP. And this, is something I should first dwell on. :-)

Labels: ba 190, career, yehey

Smile it ease the pain.
9:13 PM

Labels: aec, loverage, px, up fair '08

Smile it ease the pain.
8:33 AM

Smile it ease the pain.
10:06 PM

I am Cleiza Fule. 20 21. BS Business Administration- UP Diliman. Sassy. Daring. Adventurous. Passionate. Makulit. Sweet. Dreamer. Impatient. Random. Lover of life.

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